ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
