hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Houston, we have a blender
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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