K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
