I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
