so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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