Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
