I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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