Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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