Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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