were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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