Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
