Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can text with my tongue
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize