At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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