I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize