the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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