I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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