First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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