So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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