btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
