meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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