I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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