he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
