I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
