why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize