Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
