he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
