He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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