Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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