I cannot find my penis.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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