I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
