the condom got lost in my hair
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
