I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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