i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he thought i was a dude.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
