He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize