His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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