so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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