Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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