when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize