dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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