I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
