On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
