is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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