You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
