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i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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