Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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