i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
