Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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