i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
