I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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