Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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