my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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