Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Quick, to the slutcave!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
