Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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