I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
high people should be assigned attendants
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
