My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I will die if light touches me.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
