At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
