i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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